Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
