Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You work out of a Hotel?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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