i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
