Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
