Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
