I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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