I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
