He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
