The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
