The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
