Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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