Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
