i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
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