Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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