How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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