Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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