I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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