Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
