I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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