Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
