this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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