was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The Olympian is in my bed
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
