My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize