Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
this just has baby written all over it
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
