I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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