Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
