piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
