my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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