You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
