I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
