Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
