Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
