I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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