he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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