I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
