are you still at the devil's house?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
