You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i've created a new STD.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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