I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
