you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
