He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
