just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
