I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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