Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
