Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
