Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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