I think my vagina is haunted
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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