I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
