Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
