Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
