why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Text me some of your sweat
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
