hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I have fence marks all over my body
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
