he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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