LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
